I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
