he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
