I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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