Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
