Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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