they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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