:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
