Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
