I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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