I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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