You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
