Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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