hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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