PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
