she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
