If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
