Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
