I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
