closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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