I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
