You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
