He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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