i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am puke
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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