Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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