sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
