Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she told me i tasted like america
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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