and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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