Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
