I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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