I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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