One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
