You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
