Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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