I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
