I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
