I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
