TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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