In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
