One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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