Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
