If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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