I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
