MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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