Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
