You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
