She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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