I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
