Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I could fuck to npr.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
