guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
