I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
