Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
