clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
