why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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