i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....