then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!