i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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