Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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