How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
