benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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