I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
