i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
