Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
